Reading someone else's blog secretly has some benefit after all. I get to realize that people do talk behind your back.. not just for once, they love to do so often. They love to talk about how someone else has gone bad, how "a 24 yr-old innocent, naive, little girl with such a pretty face" could do something so unlikely, so out of her values and the face she projects. People judge others according to their values and long-held principles, no matter how traditional or off they may be. Others would judge others based on how righteous they think they are.
There was this radio program back in the province that I would religiously wait on just after I'd come back from school prior lunchtime. While walking my way home I'd already hear the powerful echoing sound of "SIN-O ANG MAY SALA?" on the radio among the neighboring houses.
Listening to the program opened my mind to life's intricacies, or some other people's not-so-ordinary problems and how they've dealt with it. I did not understand then why people have to go through those problems, why there have to be so many issues to consider when the choices are all there, and when in my mind, it was as simple as knowing what you want.
In my younger days (7-12) when i was asked if i have any problem i would through back a question "What is a problem?"
In church then, when we were asked by the pastor to repent for our sins, I would look at those others who cry so badly they faint, and wonder what they could have sinned about that made them cry like that, and would make them testify to the congregation that they are thankful they've known God and has seen His goodness during such a period of desertion and hopelesness. There was even a time then that I prayed: "Lord, I want to feel the same way, I feel so protected by you I don't know what it feels to sin so much and be forgiven."
But ahhhh... I realized now there was not need for a prayer like that, for indeed, life has a way of teaching anyone stuck on this earth for a time.
I can't believe that I've red Peale's The Power of Positive Thinking,
and all the Bible's words about wisdom, faith, and love, and those books in the old and new testament that children of my age then wouldnt bother to read-- and still would be having difficulties in deciding on what to do.
As the old saying goes "You'll never know what you are gonna do till you're there"
I don't take pride in my childish ways.. but looking back, I have been such a spoiled child of the Father. It's one thing to repent, it's another thing to ask for forgiveness and then do the same thing all over again.
...like what are the usual mistakes in this decaying world? As for me i can sum it up in the words that come out of us: in the form of promises, contracts, vows, curses, blessings, or what have you.
We do mistakes when we are insincere, when we want to hurt or get back at someone, when there are too many words and most of them are not true and are simply meant to bluff, to deceive, to flatter.
Sometimes people do mistakes too because of lack of wisdom-- and the heart for real kindness that does no harm.
After everything else that i have done, or still will do.. I can only look at myself. I cannot judge the rest for I will only use unequal measures.
Internally I have to judge myself against my values, against my principles... I can implement either mercy or justice. I can choose to love or abhor myself..
A lot of that judgement is based on my relationships with others, with myself, and with the One I choose to put my faith in, but in the end i might still be wrong in my judgment.
Only He who knows has the full right to judge.
Not me, not my closest friends, not others.