Reading someone else's blog secretly has some benefit after all. I get to realize that people do talk behind your back.. not just for once, they love to do so often. They love to talk about how someone else has gone bad, how "a 24 yr-old innocent, naive, little girl with such a pretty face" could do something so unlikely, so out of her values and the face she projects. People judge others according to their values and long-held principles, no matter how traditional or off they may be. Others would judge others based on how righteous they think they are.
There was this radio program back in the province that I would religiously wait on just after I'd come back from school prior lunchtime. While walking my way home I'd already hear the powerful echoing sound of "SIN-O ANG MAY SALA?" on the radio among the neighboring houses.
Listening to the program opened my mind to life's intricacies, or some other people's not-so-ordinary problems and how they've dealt with it. I did not understand then why people have to go through those problems, why there have to be so many issues to consider when the choices are all there, and when in my mind, it was as simple as knowing what you want.
In my younger days (7-12) when i was asked if i have any problem i would through back a question "What is a problem?"
In church then, when we were asked by the pastor to repent for our sins, I would look at those others who cry so badly they faint, and wonder what they could have sinned about that made them cry like that, and would make them testify to the congregation that they are thankful they've known God and has seen His goodness during such a period of desertion and hopelesness. There was even a time then that I prayed: "Lord, I want to feel the same way, I feel so protected by you I don't know what it feels to sin so much and be forgiven."
But ahhhh... I realized now there was not need for a prayer like that, for indeed, life has a way of teaching anyone stuck on this earth for a time.
I can't believe that I've red Peale's The Power of Positive Thinking,
and all the Bible's words about wisdom, faith, and love, and those books in the old and new testament that children of my age then wouldnt bother to read-- and still would be having difficulties in deciding on what to do.
As the old saying goes "You'll never know what you are gonna do till you're there"
I don't take pride in my childish ways.. but looking back, I have been such a spoiled child of the Father. It's one thing to repent, it's another thing to ask for forgiveness and then do the same thing all over again.
...like what are the usual mistakes in this decaying world? As for me i can sum it up in the words that come out of us: in the form of promises, contracts, vows, curses, blessings, or what have you.
We do mistakes when we are insincere, when we want to hurt or get back at someone, when there are too many words and most of them are not true and are simply meant to bluff, to deceive, to flatter.
Sometimes people do mistakes too because of lack of wisdom-- and the heart for real kindness that does no harm.
After everything else that i have done, or still will do.. I can only look at myself. I cannot judge the rest for I will only use unequal measures.
Internally I have to judge myself against my values, against my principles... I can implement either mercy or justice. I can choose to love or abhor myself..
A lot of that judgement is based on my relationships with others, with myself, and with the One I choose to put my faith in, but in the end i might still be wrong in my judgment.
Only He who knows has the full right to judge.
Not me, not my closest friends, not others.
Wag "Ano?" kundi "Baket?"
Sa pagbisita ko sa mga porums ng mga "artist" community, napapansin ko na may mga indibidwal na paulit ulit nagtutulak ng usapin ng kung "ano ang art?" bilang isang dating estudyante ng mataas na sining sa isang unibersidad at ngayon ay nagsisilbi sa korporasyon ng internet ay masasabi ko lang na napagbigyan na ako ng sobra sobrang diskyusyong sa ganitong tipo, at ako ngayon ay sawang sawa na.
tulad ng diskusyon ng atheist at isang relihiyoso, ito ay isang diskusyon na malamang walang kahihinatnan kundi magkatumbas na pagkayamot at panibagong pagmamalaki mula sa parehong kampo. nakakalungkot na pinagaaksayahan ng panahon ng mga taong to ang isang tanong matagal ng pinaglipasan ng importansya. eto sasabihin ko sa inyo, ang tila ba hindi naiintindihan ng mga taong ito ay hindi nila masasagot ang tanong na yan dahil mali ang paraan ng pagtatanong nila. wag mong tanungin kung ano ang art. hindi, hindi mo masasagot yan. at kung mangahas ka man ay siguradong sasalubungin ka ng samu't saring opinyon, edukasyon at arogansya na malamang imbis na mas malapit ka sa pinakamimithi mong kasagutan ay mababalik ka lang uli kung saan ka nagsimula. ang tanong, ay hindi kung ano ang art, kundi, "sino ba ang nagsasabi kung ano ang art?"
at malamang kailangan mo din tong itanong sa sarili mo. ano ba ang pinapaniwalaan mong depenisyon ng art? yaon bang nilalako ng mga fine-arts schools? mga gallery's ng lifestyle network? ng mga ekspertong kanluranin? malamang dito pa lang alam mo na ang sagot sa nauna mong tanong.
Sakaling alam mo na nga, ang sunod na tanong ay, "Baket mo tinatanong?" ito ba ang nakikita mong maghahatid sayo ng linaw kung paano mo tatalakayin ang trabaho mo sa mundo? marahil bilang isang "artist?" o bilang isang tao? Kung gusto mong sagutin kung ano ang magiging gabay mo sa pagtupad ng layunin mo, ang kailangan mo ng malaman ay kung ano ang mahalaga sayo. at wag mong sabihing "malaman ang ibig sabhin ng art." alam mo na ito malamang. ang problema, kinukwestyon mo ang nalalaman mo dahil sa pakiramdam mo ay may importante kang papel sa pag diskubre ng pinakatatagong sikreto nito. Ang masasabi ko lang sayo, nung nagaaral pa ako sa kolehiyo, interesado din ako dyan. malamang may ilang pang estudyanteng katulad ko. ganun din ang ibang estudyante sa ibang paaralan. mga taong bahay na nanonood sa dvd ng "art films." at i-multiply mo pa para masama lahat ng mga "art communities" sa mundo. isama mo na rin ang ilang henerasyon na nagdaan na bago sa tin. lahat sila ganun ang pakiramdam. di magandang balita sayo. lahat sila mabibigo kung hindi nila mabilis na mauunawaan na ang tamang tanong ay hindi kung "ano" kundi kung 'bakit' at papaano.
paano naging "art?" sino ang tumatawag na "art?" at ilan? payag ka ba? kung hindi, kailangan ba talagang pumayag ka o hindi bago maging "art" ang isang bagay? ano ang nagbibigay sayo ng lisensya kung sakali mang magkaroon ka nga ng karapatan makihalubilo sa mga grupong nagtatawag ng kung ano ang "art."
gustong gawing seryoso ng ilan. ang iba ay gustong gawing katatawanan. mas tama ba ang isa laban sa isa? kailangan ba na may mas tama sa kanila? kung pareho naman silang produkto ng relatibong pagtingin at pagsusuri?
wag mong itanong kung ano, marami nang sumagot nyan. mula kay bertolt bretch, pablo picasso, andre breton, alice guillermo, at malamang pati ang kapitbahay mo. ang kailangan mo na lang ay pumili ng isa na babagay sa balangkas ng pagiisip mo.
Differences in the Status Quo
I cannot pretend that I've witnessed the 80's and the 90's mostly in 4-walled seclusions, and thus coudn't talk much about the changes in the world surrounding my seemingly protected life. For even if i have never been out there raising my fist, marching the streets, and shouting my rebellious heart out, change still happen.
One can view it in two ways: my lack of participation in the country's state of affairs either have hastened the change, or have prevented the inevitable destruction of society and culture.
I do not quite want to discredit Juan who is open about his being active in his participation in the state of affairs. He says it will be through his art that he may be able to express his stand, and through his heart that he may be able to withstand all sorta pressure against him fulfiling his goal. I often ask him about what this goal is, and often, i will receive the usual "for the good of the people" reply. I wanted to understand, so i just thought at some other time he could do a better job at explaining these things to me.